Devastation

I have realized recently that I have no control over my life.  I had medical tests done and I had bad reports for both—possible uterine cancer and a growth in my breast.  I thought about the people who had died within a matter of months of finding out that they had a rapid spreading cancer— do I have this type of cancer?

I cried because I thought I only had a few months to live.  I thought about how I would not see my first grandchild or that I would not be there to see my youngest son graduate from high school or to see my sons get married.  Is this what it’s like to face death?  I was powerless—I can’t stop whatever it is in my body.  All I could do was ask God for His mercy and to hope that He will allow me to stay on earth to share those life changing events with my children.

I thought about the daughter of Jephthah in Judges 11.  She grieved for two months.  How will I spend the last few months that I have?  I saw what it’s like for people who are about to die— they struggle with intense pain so they are heavily medicated and are not aware of what is going on around them.  It happens so quickly—one day they are there, and the next day they are gone.  Life goes on without them—to me it’s like a train that drops off passengers then rapidly continues along the track.  Will I be forgotten?

Even if I had chemo and radiation, it was ultimately God’s decision—His will be done!  I don’t know how much time I have on earth, but I know I should live it better.  I should spend quality time with those that I love.  I should relish the sunrise and really take notice of the bright green of the trees and grass, and how it contrasts with the blueness of the sky.  Even if the second set of medical tests shows that I do not have cancer, this experience should be a “wake up” call to appreciate my life more and to always be thankful for what God has done for me.  He gave me a loving husband, and four beautiful children.  He gave me salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ.  He has met all my needs and has even met some of my wants.  Maybe God will grant me more time and will allow me to die as a very old lady.

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2 comments

  1. David · June 22, 2009

    Teresa, just stumbled across your blog via Blog Surfer…I a so sorry to hear about you possibly having cancer. My thoughts and prayers are with you…

  2. Kathy Langfor · July 6, 2010

    Teresa, I hope all your test came back negative. Love, Kathy

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